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Relationships are tough. Marriage is a tough bitch. And it’s certainly
not for everyone. As a lawyer, I have handled a few divorces. Thank
goodness there is such an alternative for people trapped in horrible
circumstances. But if you’re inclined to weather sickness and health,
richer and poorer — and even if you’ve just met the person with whom you
want to be in a longterm romance — bring a short memory and a long
sense of humor. You’re gonna need it.
1. Burn your blueprint.
Rid yourself of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of
coupled life. They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be
disappointed when your fairytale gets hijacked.
2. Forgive.
Didn’t Jesus say something about forgiving someone not just seven
times but seventy times seven? That would be 490 times….which should
last you through your first 6 months. Jesus underestimated because,
remember, he wasn’t married.
3. And forget.
If you forgive but don’t forget, did you really forgive? I know
people who claim to have forgiven but still use every available
opportunity to bring it up. And if you don’t want to forgive, forgetting
works just as well.
4. Be a good teammate.
Life can come at you hard. One of the nice things about marriage and
relationships is being able to have someone else in the bunker when
you’re getting shelled.
5. Grow.
If you still have the same desires, opinions and beliefs at age 50
that you did at age 25, that’s your own damn fault. You will not, and
should not, be the same person you were then.
6. And adapt.
Even if you stagnate, the person you’re in a relationship with will
change. Don’t fight it. Embrace it, learn from it, be thankful for it.
7. Find your faith.
There is great comfort in believing in something or someone beyond
our crude human existence. Explore this belief. Take this journey
together.
8. Travel together.
Travel forces couples to rely on one another in unpredictable ways.
It will also broaden your worldview and the way you value your
relationship.
9. Travel separately.
I want to go to Australia and you want to go to Maine? Cool. Take lots of pictures. See you in a week.
10. Develop your own interests.
It seems counter-intuitive, but you will enhance your relationship when you pursue your separate interests.
11. Cultivate a wide, diverse circle of friends.
One of the greatest joys of living is meeting new people. And many of
the people you meet will likely make you appreciate your mate even
more.
12. Don’t keep score.
I know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner
completes a household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And
childish.
13. Exercise.
You owe it to each other to be in the best physical health possible.
The mental side effects from exercise will also be beneficial.
14. Practice self-awareness.
Take frequent looks in the mirror. Reflect on who you are and the
contributions you are making to your relationship. Are you being
judgmental? Unfair? Harsh? Hypercritical? Defensive?
15. Admit that you’re wrong (even, on occasion, when you aren’t).
This is both the easiest and hardest thing to do on this list. But
this simple gesture will pay immeasurable dividends; it will help you
grow and it’s just the right thing to do.
16. Celebrate accomplishments big and small.
Whether it’s a promotion at work or the police officer let you off
with just a warning, find every occasion possible to toast your good
fortune.
17. Surprise one another.
Fill up her car. Let him sleep alone in the bed once in a while. Buy some bacon.
18. It’s the good little things.
Holding the door, suggesting a movie night, paying attention. The reward for these is greater than the sum of the parts.
19. And it’s the bad little things.
Cracking your knuckles, spitting, clearing your throat, picking your
nose, chewing ice. These are death by a thousand cuts to your
relationship.
20. Cultivate your finer qualities.
When do you ever have an opportunity to really work on qualities that
make you a better person? In a strong relationship, you can do it every
single day. Qualities like patience, loyalty, compassion, trust.
21. The bathroom is private.
If you think it’s quaint to brush your teeth while I use the toilet, you’ll change your mind about that eventually. Trust me.
22. Talk about sex (but not just right before, during, or right after).
Sex is an important part of any relationship. But for some reason
couples don’t want to discuss it unless they are in the throes of
passion. Don’t make sex a taboo subject.
23. Encourage each other.
We all have insecurities. Your relationship is one place where you
should be completely free to reveal these and your spouse should help
you overcome them.
24. It’s okay to have secrets.
Even
George Bailey slipped Violet Bick a $20 bill every now and then.
25. Avoid subtext.
This is a cowardly way to communicate. If you have something to say, say it. Don’t hint about it.
26. Put it down.
The toilet seat. Her cell phone. The beat.
27. Pick it up.
Your dirty sock. Your used tissue. The pace.
28. Don’t over-romanticize past (or future) relationships.
You weren’t that great and your ex isn’t that hot.
29. Never use the “s” word.
Don’t call each other “stupid.” That’s just stu…. not wise.
30. Offer solutions, not criticism.
Anyone can criticize. A good teammate (See Rule 4) will offer a way out.
To escape or to expand. Either way, it helps.
32. You are equals.
It doesn’t matter which one of you makes the most money. It doesn’t
matter which one of you has the better REO Speedwagon vinyl collection.
It doesn’t matter which one of you has the best nickname. It doesn’t
even matter which one of you has the coolest food allergy.
33. Compliment each other.
Sincerely and often.
34. Respect each other’s friends.
You know your wife’s loud mouthed, insane friend Cathy who thinks you
have weak bullshit and can’t believe you married her BFF? See below.
35. Know when to keep your mouth shut.
No list would be complete without the “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” lesson.
36. Indulge each other’s passions.
Scrapbooking doesn’t count.
37. Lose your arbitrary moral code.
This list alone proves that I am the king of the double standard.
When I want to spend money on a new set of golf clubs, it’s a good
investment. When my wife wants to spend money on new kitchen
countertops, she’s a profligate. It’s not exactly fair.
38. Respect space and time.
Have we not evolved as a species or watched enough Dr. Phil to
realize our mate does not want to answer the question “How was your
day?” the minute he/she walks in the door?
39. Take pride in your appearance.
Your marriage license doesn’t give you a free pass to always wear sweat pants and T-shirts.
40. Maintain good hygiene.
Could your big toenail puncture a snow tire? Could your breath peel
wallpaper? Take care of that, please. I don’t want to have to tell you
again.
41. Ask before you throw it away.
Don’t touch that broken, ceramic, animated cactus tequila shot glass holder. I’m serious.
42. Invite his/her family to special gatherings.
At least once. Thankfully, this may be all you need.
43. Speaking of family, everyone gets a holiday card and a birth announcement.
Even your creepy Uncle Steve and their psycho cousin Lisa.
44. Don’t be petty.
So I forgot to stop at the store to get your prescription. Did you have to throw away my ceramic cactus shot glass holder?
45. Be self-sufficient.
Learn to do your own laundry. Know how to cook a meal; how to
navigate the grocery store; how to make an online purchase; how to turn
off the water to the house; how to erect a Nerf basketball hoop; how to
unclog a toilet.
46. Everything is fair game for a joke.
This should be at the heart of everything you do. I have not found a
single thing that I have been unable to eventually laugh about. If you
know this from the beginning, it makes things a lot more fun.
47. Have good manners.
Don’t yell. Open the door. Help carry the groceries. Cover your cough. Hold your gas.
48. Be responsible with money.
No one lives on love. You need money. If you earned it, you will
almost certainly respect it. If you didn’t earn it, you must respect it
even more.
49. Remember to say thank you.
Even and especially when things don’t seem like they need to be acknowledged.
50. Adapting beats abandoning.
There will be moments when you want to quit, walk out, give up. You
can do that. But you will probably be doing so without giving due
consideration to the new life that awaits you. Will you be better off in
six months? 10 years?
